So... I started taking a mood stabilizer today after meeting with my therapist, Dr. David (that's his name, lol) who says that it'll take about 6 weeks to start really working it's magic. We decided that this would be a step in the right direction. There's so much rage pent up inside me that every little thing is starting to bother me. My mood swings are getting worse. I'm lashing out at work, at random people on the subway, at the ones I love... I'm tired of feeling out of control.
Dr. David said the pill is like a car. Cars do not drive us; we drive the car. I'm trying to reach a destination. I could walk...but that's leaving me VERY tired. So I'm gonna start driving. Not sure how long the drive will be but I'm going to try and enjoy the view along the way.
Today also marks 34 days of being sober: no alcohol or Mary Jane. I haven't been going to meetings. Not really focused on that right now. Yoga has sort of become the thing I do to make sure I stay mentally & spiritually focused. For now, that's what works & I'm ok with that. Just do what works. I have no desire to drink or smoke... I want to be the best version of me for the rest of my life.
Ever since I found out I'm HIV positive, I've become focused on detoxifying my mind, body & soul. I'm tired of abusing myself. I dealt with a lot growing up & I've chosen for years to try and run away from all that. It's time I own who I am & where I come from. The reckless years are over.
Honestly, Iām 'bout to miss out on a lot of shit trying to get my own shit together. Folks might be mad at me but all I can say is: I'm a beautiful work in progress.
I read this today:
"self-control is strength. calmness is mastery. you have to get to a point where your mood doesn't shift based on the insignificant actions of someone else. don't allow others to control the direction of your life. don't allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence."
That's where I'm headed. ā
I'm on a JOURNEY, y'all. And along the way, I'm learning how to love ALL of me. Not just bits and pieces.
I want to love myself so much that I GLOW from the inside out.
I want to attract people who love, respect & appreciate my energy.
I want to be magnetic.
Everything starts with how you feel about yourself.
I'm worthy
I'm valuable
I'm deserving of receiving the best that life has to offer.
Thanks for reading & thanks for loving.
Xoxo
-David LaMarr NYC